Newsletter November 2011

November 20, 2011
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We strive to bring you the most helpful and up to date information every month, and this month's newsletter is no exception.
You can scroll down through the articles below, or you can click on a headline you like to go directly to that article.

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This Month's Headlines:

Helping a Perfectionist Child
Dealing with Anger
Preparing for Teacher Conferences

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Helping a Perfectionist Child

Most parents understand the frustration of trying to get children to complete their homework each night and to study for their tests and exams. It’s easy to wish for hardworking young students who take it upon themselves to excel in school.

But other parents may find their children on the opposite end of the spectrum, and this can be unhealthy and frustrating as well. Some children fall under the category of perfectionists—students who are so worried about avoiding failure at all costs that they put an extreme amount of pressure on themselves. These students, not surprisingly, take setbacks and perceived “failures” very hard. They often have an unreasonable concept of what success is, setting goals and expectations for themselves that can be nearly impossible to reach.

While having a dedication to academic success can certainly help a child thrive in life, there are also other life lessons that are necessary for children to grow into healthy, happy adults. Handling failure is one of these lessons, as we all fail sometimes. The important thing is to recognize and learn from failure. Perfectionists, however, tend to be devastated by their mistakes, and unable to see the long-term benefits that come from them.

Perfectionism can show up in drastic behaviors such as eating disorders, self-harm and anxiety disorders. But even children with less obvious effects can be harmed by their quest for perfection and the endless cycle of worry and disappointment it can cause. The need to avoid failure often keeps children from trying new things and having growing experiences.

If your child falls under the perfectionist category, there are things you can do to help mitigate the fallout and teach your child to find a healthier balance of drive and self-acceptance.

• Consider the messages you give to your children, whether intentional or not. You may say that having a perfect report card isn’t important to you, but if you go on and on about straight A’s, your child might be wondering about the subliminal message you’re putting out. Instead, focus on giving praise for other, less quantifiable achievements like helping through community service, or playing well with others. This lets your child know you love him or her unconditionally, whether they get an A+ or not.
• Pay attention to the way your child thinks. Perfectionists tend to think in absolutes—“If I don’t get an A on this test, I’m stupid.” Try to debunk this way of unhealthy thinking, as it often keeps children from trying at all for fear of failure.
• Don’t protect your children from their mistakes. It can be hard for a parent to see the disappointment that often comes with messing up, but it is a crucial learning lesson for children. When your child does his own work and makes a mistake, it can help him lesson the pressure he puts on himself in the future.
• Watch the language you use when talking about school or other achievements. Instead of something like “Wow, another perfect score,” try something more encouraging like “Great job, you worked so hard and earned this grade.” If your child speaks to you about school or other anxieties, don’t chalk it up with well intentioned but pressure inducing comments like, “Don’t worry about the history test, you always get an A!” More importantly, drive home the message that everyone makes mistakes. Better yet, find a more positive word to use like “obstacles” or “hurdles.”
• Limit your child’s study time. Even though it may sound counterintuitive, make sure your child is not spending too much time on homework and studies. Set a time limit if you feel it is getting excessive, and speak to the teacher so he or she can help you in your efforts.
• Look to other self-gratifying activities. Try to stay away from competitive or score-keeping endeavors and do things that are more open-ended, like writing, dancing, or art classes. This allows children to expand their identities, and to value themselves based on things other than schoolwork. Don’t overdo the extra activities though or you risk putting them back into the situation you’re trying to address. On the flip side, don’t shy away from activities where your child isn’t the best—it can be an important lesson on how to handle these similar situations in the future.
• As usual, one of the most important ways to help your child is to reflect on yourself. Are you too hard on yourself? Constantly putting yourself down? Or do you build your sense of self based on your child’s accomplishments? It can be difficult and uncomfortable to look at ourselves in this way, but make sure that you are not sending mixed message in your actions. Be open about your shortcomings, but stress how you learn from them and how you find ways to overcome these detours in the path of life. It will go a long way toward happiness for you and your child.

SourceMedoff, Lisa. “10 Ways to Help Your Perfectionist Child,” education.com
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Dealing with Anger

As much as we try to raise patient, thoughtful children, as parents, we have to acknowledge that anger is a normal part of human emotions. Instead of trying to stifle anger in your child, it’s best to teach children how to recognize, understand, and manage anger. It’s far more healthy to address our anger than to try to sweep it under the rug, only to have it blow up later.

Here are a few ways to help your child work through angry feelings, care of John Gottman, Ph.D and author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child:

Allow For Expression

Give your child space to express their angry feelings without judgment. Think of the times when you are angry—how frustrating would it be to have someone tell you not to think that way, or to not waste your time with those feelings because they’re bad? Try to listen with empathy, and understand that it’s important to your child to have a safe outlet.

Listen Before Speaking

How many times do we barely hear what our children are saying because we can’t wait to tell them what we think? One of the most important things for children is feeling like they are heard, so make sure you are listening, not just waiting to lecture them.

Act As a Mirror

Reflect your child’s feelings back to him or her; it’s a way of acknowledging and supporting them. Young children may respond to something like, “You are really upset right now,” while saying “I can tell you’re very upset, can you tell me what made you feel this way?” may be more appropriate for an older child. “What” is more effective than “why” as it asks for specifics rather than trying to explain more abstract emotions, which can be difficult for people of any age.

Respond Patiently

When children are angry they can say things that get us going too. Instead of jumping into anger ourselves, parents are better served buying themselves a moment to think. Respond to rude comments or behavior with “I need a moment to think about this,” or “I know you’re very upset. Let’s talk about it.” Don’t be afraid to be honest—saying “That hurt my feelings” can take the edge off a conversation headed down a bad road.

Provide Solutions

Instead of getting mad yourself, try to be creative in your responses. If your children are fighting, try saying “We don’t hurt people’s feelings in this family. Let’s find another way to address this problem.” Have your children tell you what they’d like to see as a solution. If you disagree, ask them to explain to you again why they feel something is unfair. Having to articulate feelings will often cause a child to calm down.

Acknowledge the Problem

Children will often get angrier when their provocations don’t affect you, so acknowledge the impact of what they say or do. Say something that shows they have your attention—“I’m off the phone now and listening to you,” or “I stopped the car, let’s talk about this”—helps open the conversation for them to explain their feelings more calmly, and creates an environment of support.

Focus on Behavior, Not Character

Instead of saying “You’re always yelling!” focus on the immediate behavior by saying “It’s not okay to yell in the kitchen right now.” This places the focus on the feelings and the problems at the moment, rather than making children feel like they are a general failure when they are upset or emotional, which may only enhance their anger or frustration.

Set Limits and Relevant Punishments

It’s important for children to know that parents are in control. As much as they hate it, it’s also comforting and can be very soothing. Try to set limits that help your child learn how to calm down on his or her own. If you need to resort to punishment, try your best to pick one that fits the crime. Time outs are not always as effective as direct cause and effect punishments. If your child throws something, make him or her pick it up instead.

Dealing with anger, sadness and stress is a normal part of everyday life. Tactics like these help you and your child learn to handle emotions in a healthy, educational way that brings you closer and helps build an environment of trust and encouragement.

source Gottman, John.“Talking Through Angry Feelings,”pbs.org
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Preparing for Teacher Conferences

Parent-teacher conferences can be very beneficial for everyone involved, and can help you address strengths and weaknesses in your child’s education. As parents we look forward to the feedback teachers give us, and expect teachers to arrive to conferences prepared. But what we often forget is that it’s just as important for parents to do the same. Since this is one of the only opportunities to meet one-on-one with the professional educator who spends a lot of time with your child, it’s important to make the most of your conference.

Educators and teachers agree that these conferences are important. Teachers often have a more objective view of our children, and the meetings are not only a chance to speak about grades and tests, but also other, larger developmental issues as well. While parents attend these conferences hoping to learn more about their children, teachers also welcome parent’s input and insights. Together, you can learn valuable things about your child’s social and emotional well being as well as their academic performances, helping them grow in a holistic way.

Here’s how you can make the most of your parent-teacher meetings:

Before the Conference

• Prepare ahead of time. Don’t wait until the night before. Instead start folders early in the year of test scores, homework assignments, notes from the teacher or your own notes on your child’s progress.
• Talk to your child about how he or she is doing in school. This can be academic but it can also be about problems like peer pressure or bullying. Don’t be afraid to look into something you find upsetting before the conference. Talking to other parents can be a good start.

During the Conference

• Be sure to arrive early so you aren’t flustered. It’s also common courtesy and shows the teacher you are a concerned and respectful parent.
• Bring a positive attitude with you. Even if you want to discuss difficult topics, make an effort to start the conversation in a positive way. Tell the teacher about something your child liked, or something he or she came home excited about. This helps keep the teacher from being put on the defensive, and makes it easier to segue into tougher issues.
• Find out how you can follow up. Many teachers are available outside of these conferences. Ask your child’s teacher if he or she prefers you contact with your concerns via email, notes or phone calls. Reinforce that you are there to help support both your child and his or her teacher, and are a partner in your child’s education.

After the Conference

• Be sure to follow up on necessary things. If the teacher brought something to your attention, make a plan and put it into action. This can be anything from helping your child get more organized, addressing a social problem that is distracting your child, or getting additional outside help from a tutor. Whatever it is, your child is worth the effort and the teacher will see and appreciate your commitment.
• Keep your child in the loop. Let your child know any positive things the teacher said before talking about any concerns. Talk about your plans to work on areas of difficulty and let your child be active in the solutions. Being honest and upfront with children helps them realize that change is within their control, and that both you and the teacher want the best for them.

SourceWilliams, Julie. “Bully-Proofing Your Child.”