"If I get a tutor, am I dumb?"

Students are often concerned when parents, teachers, or others recommend that they get a tutor to help them with their work. This is especially true of older students who have never had a tutor. Students may not come out and ask, "does this mean I am dumb?" Your child may not come out and say these words, you may only see the effects of their thinking process. You hear excuses, or find yourselves in irrational arguments about getting a tutor.

How should parents deal with this? First, you need to have a calm conversation with your child. Try to set up a time and space for a quiet conversation, where you express that you care about your child, and that you want her to succeed. Then, suggest that a tutor is merely a coach, and that having a coach does not mean that the person is bad at something. Using sports as an example, Tiger Woods has a swing coach and a caddy who advises him on every stroke. Michael Jordan had a team of coaches advising him on the basketball floor, and others advising him in his private life. Does this mean these two men are "dumb" or inferior in their sport? Of course not. In the academic realm, Plato had Socrates, and almost every award winning academic has an adviser working with him or her. Does this mean they are "dumb", again, no.

A little research can reveal that many successful people who reached the top of their profession used coaches, or tutors, to help them get there. Find an example who your child looks up to, and bring that into the conversation.

You can go on to say that knowing when to ask for help is often what separates people who are good at something with people who are great at it. A case in point would be John Irving, the best selling author of Cider House Rules, A Prayer for Owen Meany, and The World According to Garp. All three of these novels were made into major motion pictures. Was Irving always a good writer? No, in fact, he is dyslexic, and had to work very hard and meticulously, with lots of help from tutors and teachers to get through school with passing grades. A perfect example of someone needing help and ending up excelling. Even now, Irving bounces ideas and manuscripts off of his editor. Most writers will tell you their editor is a key element to their continued success.

Needing help is OK. Asking for it is OK. Getting help is OK. It is needing help and not getting it that can be harmful. So if your child is resisting getting help from you, a teacher or a tutor, have this conversation with him and see if you can soften that resistance so he can get the help he needs.